|picture source - sideshowmom|
Before I knew it, I was feeling very, very low. That little devil on my shoulder that loves to get me down - or Satan or the negative part of myself, whatever you personally call it - was leaning towards my ear and whispering,
"He doesn't like homeschooling, you're just doing it for you and you can't even do it right.
He's going to be socially awkward and weird and stupid. He's not going to have any friends. You're going to fail him. You're not good enough. You're not a teacher. Look at how much stuff you've been doing wrong. You're a bad mom."
I know I'm not the only one who has this happen, right? It doesn't happen all the time or anything but when it does, it feels bad. I resolved to pray about it though and press on. The next day while I was on the computer, an acquaintance of mine sent me a message and told me she was interested in homeschooling and had a few questions if I didn't mind. She was really interested in homeschooling but didn't think she had enough patience and also was worried about socialization & her family's negative attitude about it. Hello, been there and done that! I talked to her about it for a little while and shared some of my thoughts. Then we planned a meet-up for later in the week to discuss it more. I told her I would bring some of my homeschooling materials as well so she could look at them. When I got off the computer, I was smiling ear to ear.
Perhaps that doesn't mean anything to anyone else but to me that was a reassurance that I am doing the right thing. The little angel on my other shoulder went over and kicked the little devil in the crotch and laughed as he fell off. I'm not a bad mom - I struggle with things just like any other mom. We all have our things that trip us up and our moments where we get down. Things have been rough but that's because of my stressing over things that will work out, because our house has been torn up, I've been focused on the wrong things, etc. This week since I started planning better and refusing to stress about the little things, things have gone really well.
I need to remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing - and think about the long term goals. I need to revel in the little joys and accomplishments that happen each day. It's not always about doing & how much I can get accomplished - it's also about these little souls I'm nuturing and caring for. The harder things will work out - I just have to have faith. I also got to thinking about all the people I've talked to about homeschooling since we started. If I wasn't homeschooling, all those people I've talked to about it might never have heard about it or considered doing it, as some of them have. I just may have changed some futures.
(And as it turns out, Zeke's just been interested in public school since he's heard older cousins and other family talking about going back to school and he was confused because he didn't know what that meant exactly. Also, riding a bus is extremely appealing to him. But what little guy doesn't want to ride a bus?!)