On Friday, my hubby and I went to our first appointment with the midwife. We'd never met her before but I had chatted with her by phone and on Facebook. Her office was warm and inviting with comfy couches to sit on, a train track and toys set out for kids to play with, and a bookshelf nestled in the corner, chock full of pregnancy and childbirth related books. A large, brightly colored mural on the wall was decorated with baby footprints (all ones the midwife had delivered) with their parents first names and birth dates. She explained to us her ideas about childbirth (which are right on par with what I desire), her qualifications, and what she expected of us. We talked about my diet, a few minor issues I'm having, and our plans for a homebirth. She asked us several times if we had any questions and was very open & talkative. I pretty much love her. :)
Towards the end of the visit, she got the Doppler out so we could listen to the heartbeat - the part I'd been waiting anxiously for! There's just something incredible about hearing your little baby's heartbeat for the very first time. She swept it over my belly for several minutes without finding it. She got another Doppler out that she said might work better and moved it around all over. Time ticked on as we all sat in silence. As I sat up, she assured me that perhaps I was just earlier than what we thought or that maybe the baby was just hiding out or that possibly the heart was just too small to be picked up still. She didn't sugar coat it though and said that there also could be the possibility that the baby was no longer growing. She gave us choices - wait a week to come back and try again or go on to the hospital for an internal ultrasound - and left the decision up to us. Hubby (who knows me and my worrying ways all too well) said we should probably go for the ultrasound. She called and got us an appointment as soon as possible. Even though I knew I was pregnant - I had to be! Look at how much I've been puking! - I was still incredibly nervous and thinking about the worst case scenario.
As I sat waiting (and waiting and waiting...) in the OB's cold exam room, I was almost shaking with nervousness. Or perhaps that's because it was freezing in there and I had to sit and wait with my pants off. They really did a good job getting me in quickly but you all know how unpleasant it is to sit and wait in a doctor's office. In retrospect, it was probably only an hour or so all together, but that was still one of the longest waits I've ever experienced. The episode of 19 Kids and Counting kept coming back to me - the one I've only been able to watch once - where Michelle Duggar goes in for an ultrasound and finds out that little Jubilee has no heartbeat. Even through her tears and pain, Michelle is able to say, "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Regardless of how you feel about the Duggars, imagine how much strength and faith that must take! Even in the midst of your grief and fear to place total trust in the Lord and the path He's chosen for you. Wow. It reminded me that even though I was afraid, God already knew what was going to happen and had it planned out for me. I thought about the blessings and mercies He has given me thus far in my life & I chose then to close my eyes and pray: "Lord, please let this little babe be alright. However, I pray not for my will, but thy will. Not my will, but thy will."
The OB came in and chatted with me a bit, small talk, and then stepped out of the room for a second. I heard him approach a nurse and say, "Can you come in? This came in as no heartbeat. I may need you." I probably started to shake for real then. If you've ever had an internal ultrasound, you'll know they aren't all that pleasant - even more so when you've got a full bladder. I'll give the doctor kudos for trying to keep my mind otherwise occupied, asking about my kids and what was new in my life, but I honestly have no idea what I told him. All I remember was feeling totally uncomfortable until he said, "Look there's your baby! And there's the heart!" while pointing at a tiny little, rapidly pulsating blob. All I could say was, "Oh good. Oh good. Thank you, Lord." I talked to my midwife later that day and she was overjoyed that everything turned out alright. We all went home from that visit smiling, with a new picture of our little one to share. Here's to hoping our next visit isn't as eventful. :)
|Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!
I Peter 1:6