When my oldest son was small, we had some grand times. It was just he and I most of the time and although he did get up to some mischief now and again, he was generally pretty easy going and cautious. His Three's were rough - but what toddler doesn't have some of "those" moments? And Ellie definitely had some Terrible Twos. However...nothing could have prepared me for Zachariah, my little Toddler Tornado.
He is my most dangerous child by far. I call him "Baby Hulk" for a reason. He's the only one I've found scaling bookshelves and climbing the back of the couch like a tightrope. He's the only one who has completely dismantled and destroyed a Rubik's Cube. And the only one that almost shattered a glass door with a plastic TMNT sword.
He crushed a nightlight bulb in his tiny fist. It was not a pretty sight. And it wasn't glass either - it was one of those hard plastic ones that I foolishly thought was pretty close to being unbreakable.
He's the only one I've had to call Poison Control on THREE TIMES. THREE! Surely that is a record. And I - the mother of four children - am pretty darn careful about keeping things put up and away!
Most toddlers have that "no fear" type of personality but his....seems extreme. Extreme as in I will NEVER buy him a motorbike. Curious? Here is just a smattering of the fun we have encountered. Please note: these are ALL actual things that have happened...I've jotted them down as the days have went by and compiled them together:
- The subject awakens all cheery and smiling, bellowing for me when he hears me go to the bathroom of a morning. "HI MOMMA! YOU 'WAKE MOMMA?" This is to throw me off my guard, to make me assume it's going to be a trouble-free pleasant day.
- Drags his toddler size chair out of the living room and up to the kitchen counter. Peels & eats two bananas before I can get over there.
- Then proceeds to ask for cereal. I get out cereal but he does not want me to pour. I try to reason that in order to eat the cereal you must pour it into the bowl. He tells me in gibberish language that I am a fool, a simpleton, and that he somehow wants me to get the cereal into the bowl without putting it into the bowl. #TODDLERLOGIC
- Somehow finds box with crafty type thing in it that the kids got for Easter. Includes some sort of thing you can paint. Toddler rips open box and eats paint. Check website to see if toxic. Call poison control who probably remember me from my last call. (Luckily paint is non-toxic. I kind of figured it was...but you never know.)
- While on phone, toddler swipes pen from my purse and scribbles all over suede-type chair. Google "ways to remove pen from chair before husband's head explodes." Try several removals with no luck. End up covering chair with throw blanket.
- Give him a bath. I also get a bath during this (albeit, in my clothing) and decide to go ahead and mop bathroom floor since there is quite a bit of water on it already.
- He streaks out of bathroom, naked. Climbs under the dining room table, pees on the floor, and then whacks his head on the table while climbing out.
- Squeals into dog whistle register while I struggle to put a diaper and clothing on him. Finally give up and just leave him running around in diaper.
- Someone (ahem, older child) left the fridge open while getting a drink and he helps himself to two pieces of bologna, a hot dog, some grapes, and a string cheese.
- I get a phone call and jot down some information. I FOOLISHLY leave the pen next to the phone. He swipes pen while I am changing out the laundry and bites into the end of it until it explodes. Come back into the room to see his hands, belly, shoulders, and arms covered in purple ink. Look Poison Control up via the internet this time while giving him ANOTHER bath.
- Try to get him down for a nap. Might as well try to pick up the house and throw it into Illinois.
- Why yes, that is me following the toddler around during ball practice like a hawk. I'm sure the other moms there think I am helicopter mom. (You know the one: constantly hovering around their kids, putting them in bubble wrap, not letting them do anything that is out of arm's reach, etc.) But really, I'm honestly just trying to keep him from killing himself. He climbs everything, eats mud, whacks his head on bleachers, jumps off of stuff, and just laughs as if to say, "DARN THE CONSEQUENCES."
- Did I mention he didn't nap? Do you know what happens to him when he doesn't nap? He turns into the Extremely Tired Spawn of Satan. He really is like Hulk. "Don't make him tired. You wouldn't like him when he's tired. ZAC SMASHHHHHHHHH."
- Alternately gobbles up three plates of dinner or throws it on the floor for the dog.
- Oh bedtime. Sweet bedtime. But before bedtime we must arrange things just so - he needs his cat, his Thomas pillow, his fan, and his "nother one blanket." (Meaning he needs like five blankets.)
- Collapse into heap. Rinse and repeat tomorrow.