New Year, Not a New Me

It's a new year. 2018. New Years Eve has come and gone. The holiday was pretty low key for us this year. Had kind of a tumultuous day, put the littles to bed relatively early, husband & I played some board games with the kids, and then we went to bed right after the ball dropped.

2017 was full of trials and tribulations in our household. Lots of stress and sickness and more recently, funerals and visitations. We're in a stage with lots of littles so every single day is noisy. I'm trying my best to teach and instruct them but it's hard. Don't get me wrong though. We had a lot of awesome things happen this year too. The kids had birthdays and reached milestones, we celebrated our 12th anniversary, we bought and moved into a new house, our sweet Hannah Ruth was born...lots of things to be happy about.

I feel like this was a year of learning. As my stepdaughter gets closer to finishing high school and my oldest son enters the preteen years, it's hit me HARD that these kids aren't "kids" anymore. They're becoming their own unique people who are going to grow up and leave. And of course, I knew that. But knowing it and staring it in the face are two different things.

I've learned I'm capable of a lot more than what I ever thought. That I can follow through with things but that it's also one of the things I struggle with the most. I'm always going to be a bit of an oddity or an outsider in a lot of situations due to choices I've made.

I've learned who will be there for me and who won't. I've been surprised and challenged. I've taken a hard look at myself, my life, and what I want from it. I don't know that I've come away with anything earth-shattering or mind-blowing but I know that I'm not where I'd like to be in certain areas. And I'm not sure how to fix it.

I used to always get super into the idea of "new year, new me" and starting fresh. I would pick "a word for the year" and make a list of resolutions or goals. I would strive for a list of things I wanted to change or do better. Some years I would do better than others. This year I have zero inspiration. I'm not necessarily unsatisfied...just unsure. And I'm not unwilling to change, I'm just not sure how or what to do. I don't know what direction to take. I feel a bit like I'm on the precipice of something, but I still don't know what it is. Like I'm writing a book but I don't know what the ending is going to be. do I wrap this up? I honestly don't know. I suppose I've been vague and I apologize. I'm not sure how to articulate all I'm feeling. So I'll do what I've always done - play it by ear and plug along. I don't expect everything to be sunshine and roses but a little easier year would be nice. :) Here's to hoping this year is less stressful and filled with joy.

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