Another New Year

During this time of year, I usually take a moment to write on my blog about the year we're leaving behind and the one we're looking forward to. I usually talk about the different things we did during the year and highlight what all the kids have been up to. I reflect on what I could have done differently, what I want to change in the upcoming year, and usually talk about resolutions.

Last year at this point in time I was feeling very confused. (Here's the post if you want to read it.) We'd just ended a tumultuous year and I was feeling very unsure of myself. I didn't pick a word or make resolutions or anything like that. I went in to 2018 tentatively and it turned out to be even more tumultuous.

I wrote out a few paragraphs about the highs and lows of our year but just can't bring myself to share them. Why? Fear, I guess. Fear of judgment, critiquing, and cross-examination. Fear that no one will understand or that I'll overshare. This year has been a year that I have held a lot inside and kept many things to myself. I've had a lot of low moments but also a lot of good times too. I'm blessed with children and family and a warm home and food on my table. I have a lot to be thankful for. I've tried new things and went outside my comfort zone. I've experienced success and failure. The good definitely outweighed the bad...but sometimes the bad is so overwhelming.

Anyway, I suppose every year is like that - a mix of terrible and wonderful. We have challenging times and sometimes experience the lowest of the lows...those times when we start to question: "Why am I here? What's it all for? What's my purpose?" And then there are moments that are thrilling and exciting, full of new experiences, and wonderful, lovely things that lift us up and ignite something in us. I've definitely experienced those moments this year.

As the kids are getting older and life goes on, I'm finding myself becoming a lot more private. I used to find writing on here cathartic but now I just find myself closing up and not wanting to share everything with the world that is so cold and unforgiving and judgmental. I've also realized that the kids are growing up and that they may not want every detail about their potty training and tantrums and life in general on here for the world at large, their future employers, etc.

I guess that brings me to what I really want to say (kudos if you get the movie reference) - I'm going to be refocusing the blog a bit. I'd like to make it more about education and support and resources and scale back the focus on my family. It's hard to want to say things but also simultaneously to clutch them tight against your breast, afraid and unsure of sharing.

I hope what I'm saying makes sense...I know I'm talking in riddles somewhat. My need to share is being outweighed by my desire for privacy, security, and safety. I hope you understand that. I'll still definitely be talking about life as a large family and motherhood but I'm going to make it more general I guess - information for sure but not so much personal detail. And although I know it won't remove them from the internet forever, I may be going back and making certain old posts private.

Here's to 2019 and whatever it brings our way.

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