Mamavation Monday: Week Five

Last week my weight was 228.0 and this week I unfortunately gained. :( Current weight is 231.0 which is a gain of three pounds. It really upsets me since I had been doing so well but such is life I guess. My kids have had colds this past week and consequently haven't been sleeping the best - well, the baby hasn't anyway - and I've had a touch of it myself. So I haven't been exercising as much and I've overdone it on food. I did eat more vegetables this week though which is goal of mine because I hate them. I also have to give a little shout-out to the Mamavation Veggie Contessa who has been giving great tips and facts on veggies! One of the days last week she talked about carrots, I just happened to be going to the store so I picked up carrots while I was there! :) I ended up making a chicken casserole and added shredded carrots and celery to it. The kids and I (well, me and Ellie...Zeke still isn't brave enough) also snacked on celery throughout the week with a little peanut butter. I'm working on Zeke - he's quite the opinionated 4 (almost 5) year old but I have been getting him to try new foods, little by little.

Goals for this Week: Continue eating veggies, eat less, exercise more and get back on track.
Reminder: My goal for December 5th is to lose 20 pounds.
Sista of the Week: Rita (@lovelyritaann) is this week's SOTW! Congratulations - you deserve it girlfriend!
Joining Mamavation: If you are interested in pledging to the Mamavation Sistahood, Monday is the time to do it. (Sorry my post is belated - keep it in mind for next week though if you're interested!) Go here for instructions - invitations are done on Wednesdays over Twitter. (Or later if Leah gets swamped.)
Blogging Carnival: This week's blogging carnival at Mamavation was sponsored by Katy Bowman and her Aligned and Well series.

Mamavation Monday: Week Four

Well this week has been interesting. It has been somewhat stressful like last week BUT unlike last week I've managed to eat less and keep up with my water drinking. I was visiting family some this week and I ended up playing their Wii quite a bit. What a workout some of those games will give you! My cousin and I did Just Dance and it sure got me sweating. I also tried out Wii Fit and really enjoyed the runs and different exercises it had on it. On an somewhat unrelated note, my four year old son's favorite was bowling and he totally rocked at it. Anyway, last week I weighed 229.8 and this week my weight is 228.0, which is a loss of 1.8 pounds. Woooo! I'm always excited to see a loss, no matter how big or small.
Awhile back, Leah did a post about setting a goal day of December 5. She said, and I quote: "No matter where you are in your fitness life, there is always something you can work to reach." I am making my goal for December to lose 20 pounds. It's not a huge goal but I think it's something attainable and that I can definitely manage.
I forgot to mention last week that I'm now an official part of the Mamavation Sistahood! You can see the badge in my sidebar. I'm very thankful to have met so many wonderful and encouraging "sistas" through this! They've really helped me be accountable. If you're interested in pledging to the Mamavation Sistahood, check out this page. You can also watch and join in on Mamavation TV tonight at 7pm PST/10pm EST on Mingle Media TV. I'll be there, assuming my kids don't have a crazy night! :)
I also wanted to give a shout-out to Lori (@gutimom) for being the Sista of the Week this week and to Shannon (@Trulove821) for being last week's Sista! Congrats gals!
Lastly, I wanted to mention that this week's Mamavation blogging carnival is sponsored by Chiquita Banana. My household is definitely a big fan - bananas are one thing I know that I can probably get the kids to eat without any fuss!

(Belated) Mamavation Week Three

My Mamavation post this week is obviously NOT being posted on Monday. I've been slacking off greatly, due to being busy and really just because I've been lazy. Hubby said he'll start being a drill sergeant for me if I need him to and since I don't want to be starving in the Third Reich, I'm making my post and trying to get back on track. Last week I weighed 228.8 and this week I weigh 229.8 which is suprisingly only a gain of one pound. I figured it would be much, much more. I haven't stuck to my calorie counting and I've drank a little pop/soda. Exercise has been pretty much non-existent. I don't have any excuses other than some moderate stress and that I've been lazy. I've been struggling with finding an exercise "groove" and keeping up with things but I'm not trying to make excuses. It's time to move on and to look forward, to try and do better. I'm watching my calories and food intake again and I'm going to focus on getting a better exercise routine going.
I would also like to congratulate the Mamavation Moms - Jennifer Gniadecki of Beyond Mom and Jessica Bolin of All About the Savings. It's been exciting reading about their journeys - they're both doing great so far and I can't wait to see what the future holds for them! :)

Mamavation Monday: Week Two

Leah announced the Mamavation Mom finalists this morning and sadly I'm not one of them. But I am super excited for the women who are - they totally deserve it and I know they're going to do a great job. They're all incredibly driven and I can't wait to see what happens in the campaign. Anyone can vote for them by going here - no signing up, just check out the voting widget in the sidebar.

Mamavation Week One went very well for me. My weight this week is 228.8. Last week I weighed 232.4 so I lost 3.6 pounds which I am incredibly excited about - especially after the holiday weekend! My goal for this month (July) is to lose at least 1 pound a week, if not more.

I did okay with food this week. I tried to eat smaller portions and not eat for no reason - which I have been known to do a time or two, or seven or ten. When I go to grab something to eat, I'm trying to think am I really hungry or am I just wanting to eat because (fill in with whatever reason)? I had a party Friday night and did very well - I only ate a few cookies and some cheeseball. This week I'm going to focus on counting calories in the things I eat and aiming for 1200 - 1300 a day. This week also continues my no pop/soda kick! Week One went okay - I had a mild headache here and there but nothing a lot of water didn't fix.
My Aunt gave me a cookbook this weekend which I actually had been wanting since I read a blurb about it in a magazine - Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld. It's chock full of ideas and recipes to make healthy food appealing to kids. I especially like it because you pretty much just sneak the veggies in wherever you can - which will be good not only for the kids but ME! I'm a not a great veggie eater but if they're snuck in there and good for me I think that will work out great. :)

Exercise for this week varied. I swam with the kids a day or two and even ran in the pool which lemme tell ya, that is a workout and a half! The kids and I also went for several long walks in the evening - we walked around our block and up this long stretch of road by our house. I had a party on Friday evening so I did a ton of cleaning. It's surprising how much exercise you can get from cleaning - especially if you do bending and stretching while you're vacuuming, picking things up, etc.

In a recent Mamavation post, Leah talked about us needing a Fit Friend.

This is the job of your Fit Friend:
1. To check in with you every other day to see how you are doing.
2. To hold your feet to the fire and ask you about your nutrition and exercise.
3. To encourage you and help you find solutions to the challenges you face.
4. To establish a mentor or friend relationship with you.
5. To continue this relationship for about 8 months. (7 week boot camp plus 6 months afterward.)

Leah also mentioned that even if you're not chosen for Mamavation, this is still a good thing to have and that they should NOT be from your family. I totally understand that because family is always going to love you and I think can sometimes be easier on you than what you really need. I thought of a few people when I read this but before I go ask anyone, I thought I would go ahead and put it out there to see if anyone thought they fit that description and would like to help me out! If so feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email!

Mamavation Monday: Week One

Since discovering Mamavation, I've committed myself to living a better and healthier life. Even if I don't become the next Mamavation Mom, the support I've found, the friends I've made and the changes I'm making in my life are worth it! (But I really do want to win!!) This is my first Mamavation Monday post - click "read more" to hear about my week and my goals! :)

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More Mamavation

When talking with someone yesterday about Mamavation and my desire to be in the contest, they said

"Well you're not that fat."

I didn't say anything at the time but now that I've mulled it over in my brain, I have a pretty decent response. Isn't that the way it always happens - you think of your great comeback hours after the person is gone? Oh yeah, and I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and ASSUME they meant that statement in a nice way...

No, I suppose I'm not that fat. (Whatever that fat is, anyway.) I am overweight, though and actually obese (GASP!) according to the National Institute of Health's BMI Calculator. But this isn't about my weight...well, that's not true - it's just one part of it. It's about being healthy. When I was in High School, I was part of our cross country team. Granted I was never very good considering in our last championship race, I took pride in the fact that I wasn't last like I usually was. The whole point of it though was that it was something I was participating in, finishing and feeling good about doing. No, I never won first place - but I did accomplish the super long races and in not a bad amount of time for somebody who's not athletically talented. I'd love to run again, maybe even run in some K races like a couple of my friends on Facebook do. I can't even fathom doing it now, though - I'd probably pass out and have to sleep for seven days to recover. I want to be active again. I don't want to wake up everyday feeling tired and worn out. I don't want to eat because I'm bored, sad or just "because." I want to get on a exercise schedule. I have goals and I want to meet them. I think Mamavation will be able to help me stick to those goals and make lasting changes. I already joined BookieBoo, the online fitness hangout for moms which is the home of the Mamavation campaign, and have added several of my fellow Mamavation moms as friends on Twitter. I'm already feeling welcomed and encouraged.

And speaking of encouragement....as I mentioned on my video application, I also want to become a Mamavation Mom for my kids. They deserve to have a momma that will be able to keep up with them and who takes care of herself. I want to teach them good habits so they'll take care of themselves too and stay healthy and active for years to come. My kids are my little cheerleaders (Zeke is fond of telling me "Mommy! You're beautiful!" when I enter a room and Ellie has just recently learned how to clap!) and I know they'll encourage me along the way. I also have family members and a group of online friends who are my adult cheerleaders. Well, adult cheerleaders sounds kind of wrong...you know what I mean! Anyway, I will keep you all updated over the next couple weeks on how things go with the campaign! Thanks guys! :)

If you'd like to support me please retweet this on Twitter:
Hey @bookieboo! I want @mrsaddison to be the next #Mamavation Mom. She has my support! http://bit.ly/zqUxa

In Need of Mamavation!

I took a leap of faith today and sent my application in to the Mamavation contest. What is Mamavation? I'm so glad you asked! :)

Mamavation™ is a social experiment and weight loss campaign in social media with the goals of teaching moms healthy living lifestyle choices so they can share with their family. Mamavation™ is a two part campaign: (1) a virtual healthy living boot camp for two moms and (2) the home of the first virtual healthy living sorority in social media, the Sistahood™.

As a healthy living bootcamp, Mamavation™ is an opportunity for two moms (Mamavation™ Moms) to change their lives together by entering into a 7 week healthy living boot camp created to give them the tools they need to succeed. The will receive a professional nutritional plan created by a physician that specializes in nutrition, Dr. Renna, and a fitness program created by Tracey Mallett. They will also receive a treadmill from Smooth Fitness, Earth Footwear, an EA SPORTS Active, Tracey Mallett and Tae Bo DVDs. The program was created and is managed by @bookieboo, with the goal of teaching moms how to live life better. The Mamavation™ campaign plans to give them the tools they need to succeed, in hopes that they will create a healthy lifestyle for themselves and their families.

As the Mamavation™ Moms complete their 7 week crash course in healthy living, they will be supported by an army of moms. The Mamavation™ Cheerleader squad and Mamavation™ Sistahood™ will be behind them every step of the way. They will receive a Mamavation™ Mentor, which is a mom that completed the program and has stuck around to mentor another. And they will also be required to have a "fit friend," or someone who they know that already lives a healthy lifestyle.

The campaign will unfold on Bookieboo where the Mamavation™ moms will keep a daily food/exercise journal. They will appear on Mingle Media TV Network every Monday at 7pm PST/10pm EST as well. The Mamavation™ Moms will also be expected to post about their Mamavation experience and be available on twitter to talk about their experiences and inspire everyone. In addition, they will do a vlog every week chronicling their journey losing weight. The purpose behind all this "work" is to INSPIRE others. The Mamavation™ Moms are challenged with losing weight and learning healthy living and inspiring other moms to do the same--a hefty challenge but admirable one.


It sounds like a great opportunity, right? I'm really excited to be involved! You can read more about the contest OR apply yourself by clicking the button below!





And here is my video application! I was fiddling with the camera in the beginning so it took me a second to get started! :)




I would love it if you all would support me in this endeavor! If you're on Twitter it would help me out bunches if you could retweet this: "Hey @bookieboo! I want @mrsaddison to be the next #Mamavation Mom. She has my support! http://bit.ly/zqUxa"

Thank you all soooooo much! I'll keep you updated on how things are going! :)

Superwoman Saturday AND Sunday

Since I'm posting it a bit late today, Superwoman Saturday is going to be open for posts today AND tomorrow!

Superwoman Saturday is a weekly blog hop that you can join if you're wanting to lose weight, eat better, exercise more or just have a better life! Committing yourself to pursue those better choices (and blogging about it) will help you to become more of a "Superwoman!" ;) The rules for Superwoman Saturday are as follows:

- Obviously, your post should be on Saturday! ;) Your post should be about making your life better. If you want to make goals, that's great! You can post about dieting, exercise, health, your life goals, whatever you want. It's completely up to you, as long as it's related to the idea of a better life.

- Add a link to your Superwoman Saturday post below. You can also grab the list of everyone's links to add to your own blog post.

- If you'd like to display a Superwoman Saturday button, that would be great! Just copy and paste the text in the box below the button.

Okay, so this week I think I've done pretty good keeping up with my goals. I've been trying to stay more active and spend less time on the computer or just sitting around. The kids and I have gone for walks several times this week and at my babysitting job, we've been playing outside a lot. I haven't been weighing myself because it usually only depresses me (haha) but I may try that this week.
I didn't do so well food-wise but tomorrow is another day, right? I've been trying to think each morning about what I want to make for our meals that day - that way I'm not scrambling to find something around dinner time. I'd really like to do a weekly meal plan but just haven't gotten around to it. I tried making quesadillas this week which was...interesting! I'll post the recipe after I get all the kinks worked out of it! :) How was your week?





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Superwoman Saturday

I had a couple people tell me they were interested in a weekly weight loss/exercise/healthy life blog hop...so here it is! Superwoman Saturday is going to be a weekly blog hop that you can join if you're wanting to lose weight, eat better, exercise more or just have a better life! Committing yourself to pursue those better choices (and blogging about it) will help you to become more of a "Superwoman!" ;) I chose Saturday because that's usually a pretty easy going day when we can reflect on how we did the past week and what we're going to be doing in the week ahead.

I myself am primarily going to be focusing on weight loss and exercise. I have been getting a lot more active recently to try and lose some of the weight I've put on over the past couple years. I'm very unhappy with the way I look and feel and the only way to change that is just to get motivated and do it! I have a tendency to try and take too much on at one time with diets/exercise. I then get overwhelmed and just quit altogether SO I am taking things slowly, one step at a time. I've been working little bits of exercise in at a time - going on walks, working outside, spending less time on the computer, etc. I've also been trying to eat less or smaller amounts of things. I think these choices will make me feel better and have more energy. I'm looking forward to posting next Saturday on how I've done so far!

The rules for Superwoman Saturday are as follows:
- Obviously, your post should be on Saturday! ;) Your post should be about making your life better. If you want to make goals, that's great! You can post about dieting, exercise, health, your life goals, whatever you want. It's completely up to you, as long as it's related to the idea of a better life.
- Add a link to your Superwoman Saturday post below. You can also grab the list of everyone's links to add to your own blog post.
- If you'd like to display a Superwoman Saturday button, that would be great! Just copy and paste the text in the box below the button.





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Weight Loss Challenge Anyone?

I really want to start a weekly weight loss or healthy habits post - would anyone be interested in joining me? You wouldn't necessarily have to post your weight and if you're not into detailed lists and accounting for every calorie/food, that's fine too. I'm just wanting to have one day in mind a week to post about how I'm doing in my weight loss journey, exercise plans, how I'm working on getting healthier and things like that. And I'd love to have some blogging friends who I can be accountable to and who are also interested in getting healthier! Are there any days that would work better for anyone? Leave a comment and let me know if you're interested. OR if you already know of a great weekly weight loss challenge - please let me know about it!

Picture found here

Healthy Indiana Plan

I found out some information about Indiana's Healthy Indiana Plan (HIP) today regarding the new health care reform legislation. An article I read online led me to believe that the Governor was suspending all new applicants but that is not the case. Governor Daniels suspended HIP enrollment of adults who do not have children. HIP had already hit its limit on the number of adults without children but had recently opened up 2000 slots for additional adults - those applications will end on Monday. HIP will continue to enroll families with children until the federal legislation takes full effect in 2014. The Governor's Office Press Secretary has stated that no one currently enrolled in HIP will be dropped until the federal legislation takes full effect in 2014. Good information to know for anyone who is on it or who was thinking of applying!

For more information on HIP, please go here.

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week 2010

Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week is something I try and participate in every year in one way or another. This year I'm hoping to spread awareness through my blog and social networks. If you have no clue about this or why I participate, let me inform you.

Congenital heart disease is the most common birth defect and the leading cause of birth-defect related deaths worldwide. Oftentimes the defects are genetic but in many cases, the cause is unknown. To see a full list of congenital heart defects, go here.

CHD affects approximately 1.8 million families in the United States alone but sadly there is little funding that goes into research, support and education for patients and parents. The organization CHIN (Congenital Heart Information Network) hopes to raise awareness by sharing real-life experiences and providing information. They hope that in educating the public there will be improved early diagnosis, more funding and research.

CHD has affected me personally. I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Prolapse my senior year of High School. Mitral Valve Prolapse (MVP) is – in non-technical terms – when the valve separating two of your heart's chambers doesn't work right. In my case, the valve regurgitates blood back the wrong way, which in turn causes my heart to race extremely fast.
The Mayo Clinic states: "Although MVP is a lifetime disorder, many people with this condition never have signs and symptoms. When diagnosed, people may be surprised to learn that they have a heart abnormality because of the absence of signs and symptoms." My symptoms started slowly and then got gradually worse until I couldn't even participate in Marching Band or most physical activities anymore because I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest.
My regular doctor referred me to a cardiologist because of my fast heart rate and breathing problems. I wore a halter monitor for a few days so he could see what was going on. According to the monitor, my heart rate fluctuated and at times when I was active or stressed it would go upwards of 150 beats or more per minute. If I was stressed or overworked, I would often go into a panic attack that felt much like a heart attack. He recommended that I start taking Toprol. Toprol is a beta-blocker that helps slow my heart rate and lower my blood pressure.
I also found out that I have a small hole in my heart – a congenital heart defect that I have probably had since birth. It's really nothing to worry about - for now - but I have to get an echocardiogram done once a year to check it out and make sure that it hasn't gotten any bigger or changed in any way. I have an excellent cardiologist who is really on top of everything and I completely trust him.

So I take medicine and it helps my problem but it's never fully going to go away. It's something I'll have to live with forever. I have to check out every medication I take with my cardiologist to make sure there's no drug interactions. If I were to take anything with aspirin in it, it could really mess me up. I can't forget to take my medicine either – if you just stop taking it, it can cause serious problems. Whenever I get pregnant, I am typically classified as high risk, although I've had no issues giving birth. Eventually I could have to have a valve replacement - but that's a long way down the road, if it even comes to pass. MVP has also caused me to occasionally have panic and anxiety attacks. Luckily, I've been able to keep this to a minimum with breathing and relaxation techniques.

I could have it a lot worse and I'm thankful that I don't. I'm one of the lucky ones that gets to take medicine and feel better. But there are many people out there who have to go through procedure after procedure and surgery after surgery. I've gotten involved in advocacy of heart awareness because I think that every child that is born should have a mandatory heart screening and because I want people to be more aware of these issues. I hope you'll take a moment to visit one of the websites listed below or pass the information along to someone else!

*Facts and information for this blog post was taken from:

- The Congenital Heart Information Network

- The American Heart Association

- The Mayo Clinic webpage on CHD

-  Congenital Heart Defects.com

Book Review: Ending Female Pain

I received Isa Herrera's "Ending Female Pain" awhile back and am just now getting to my review of it! Sorry for the delay! Here's a short summary of the book, borrowed from Amazon:

Isa Herrera, MSPT, CSCS, women’s health physiotherapist, has written the quintessential self-help book for women suffering from chronic pelvic and sexual pain. In this unique book, Ms. Herrera delivers the goods, sharing her trade secrets with you and putting you on the right track to a pain-free lifestyle and enjoyable sex life. The large selection of techniques in this book are based on Herrera's real life experience in treating women at her NYC based healing center, Renew Physical Therapy, where she treats women who suffer from conditions such as vulvodynia, vaginismus, interstitial cystitis, vestibulitis, endometriosis, and pre and post-natal pain. Ms. Herrera has written a multi-layered book, fusing yoga, pilates, internal massage, scar therapy, visualizations, and vulva self-care, ensuring that there is something for every woman who has suffered long enough with sexual, pelvic, or scar pain. With this book Ms. Herrera shows you how she helped countless women get on a path to self-healing, ultimately breaking their cycle of pain. With this book Ms. Herrera is declaring a revolution, stating "I have given you the tools you need, don’t hesitate to get started, end your pain and be the heroine of your own story."

This book has been endorsed by Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein (the lovely ladies of The Business of Being Born and My Best Birth) and numerous doctors and gynecologists. You can see more about the book here.

What I appreciated about this book was it's open and honest nature. It was completely candid about how these issues can affect women but also explained the technical details in such a way that anyone could understand. I had no idea how these problems could affect women in so many ways and interfere with their everyday lives. Ms. Herrera takes you step by step through the female system and explains how to counteract the problems by a variety of techniques. While I myself have never had problems like the ones that are mentioned, I can see how it would be helpful for a woman who has recently given birth or had surgery, or for someone who had those types of problems. The stretching exercises and mind-body techniques could really be beneficial for anyone. Overall, it was a very informative read.

Being Fat Is Bad...Apparently

This past week I read an article on health.com called "Being Fat Is Bad for Your Health(care)" and while I agree that being overweight can cause problems, I was in shock at some other parts of the article. Here's a snippet:

Lately I’ve been reading a lot of empowering “curvy is beautiful” stories in the press and seeing TV segments devoted to why it’s healthy to have a “real woman’s body,” all of which is code for the “overweight is okay” movement. And you know what my reaction is? Why are we telling people — and women in particular! — stuff that simply isn’t true? The truth is, it isn't okay to be overweight — even just 20 lbs. overweight.

I think the person who wrote this got confused. I think what the media she's referring to are doing is trying to tell people - women - that it's okay to be NORMAL. We get hit with so much trash each and every day. We see celebrities who say they eat whatever they want and are still a size zero, stars who have babies & lose the weight in a week, commercials touting super fast weight loss schemes - the list goes on and on. So you can see where my confusion comes from about this issue. Why is bad to tell people that they're okay? I'm not saying to tell people to never exercise or to not care about their bodies. Of course you should take care of your body but you also shouldn't become obsessed with being thin. I think with all of the "bad" media young women are exposed to that it's good to have role models out there that are showing it's okay to not be a stick and to embrace whatever size you have been blessed to be. I can't understand how the author of the article can think it's wrong for the media to embrace curvy women. I don't think we're seeing enough of it to be honest.
The rest of the article discusses how plus size people might not get as good health care as smaller people which I also think is ridiculous. If a doctor doesn't think I'm worth their time then I would find another doctor! I don't think it has to do with being fat/overweight/whatever you want to call it...it has to do with that particular doctor and their own issues. You should listen to your doctor, ask them questions and have them help you if you are embarking on any type of weight loss or exercise program. But if all they want to do is brush you off, what good are they? Frankly, you're better off with a doctor that will help you WHATEVER SIZE YOU ARE!

In the spirit of NORMAL women everywhere, check out pictures of some lovely curvy ladies by clicking read more! :)

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I Hate You, Cancer.

photo credit

I apologize for not writing sooner. For one, I often think of blog ideas, don't write them down and then forget them. I'm a Mom, and a forgetful one at that...if I don't write it down right away or *really* commit it to my memory, I'm not going to remember. (I've been trying to be better about that though and have been carrying a notebook around with me to jot down things as they come to me.)
Also, we've also had some family things going on. My Grandpa (my Dad's Dad) found out this week he has cancer and the prognosis is not good. I've been busy sifting through my emotions on it and thinking about things from the past. I seem to have become much more emotional than I ever was after having babies, which is at times very infuriating.
My Grandma (not his wife; my other Grandma) died in 2004 from cancer and it was one of the most difficult things I can remember. I can't even imagine how hard it was for her daughters - my mother and her sisters - to see this outspoken, talkative lady who made blankets for everyone's babies and cheated at cards, reduced to a hollow shell of her former self.
My family has had it's share of struggles - my Grandpa (her husband) was killed when I was in first grade by a drunk driver. I was definitely Grandpa's girl and it hit me hard. My Dad has told me about when the police called after the accident. They needed to talk to someone and he stepped up & took the phone. He then had to tell my Grandma that her beloved husband, the father of her children, the grandfather of many, would never be coming back to us. I was outside with the other kids but my Grandma's shrill scream of terror and the deep wrenching sobs that followed is something I have never been able to erase from my memory. It haunted my dreams for weeks afterwards and even today, occasionally pops up as a nightmare.
My Grandpa's death was something (as wrong as this may sound) that was easier for me to deal with, in a way. He was there and then he was gone. I and my whole family were just forced to accept that we would never see him again. It was difficult but it was final - it wasn't a sickness that was drug out or a long battle with a disease. I don't know if that makes it easier to cope or not - for me at that time, it did.
Cancer is most often times different - it eats away at the person, making them weaker, tearing them down bit by bit until they take their very last breath. And that is very difficult for anyone to watch. During the last weeks of my Grandma's life she came in and out of her drug-filled haze, talking in riddles and just struggling to breathe. We gathered around, holding her hands, talking to her and letting her know we were there. Finally, on Christmas Eve a nurse told us, "She's ready to go. She just doesn't want to leave with you all here." So with a heavy heart, the family all came home and tried to get some sleep. We (or at least I) fully expected to go back to the hospice the next day. But the nurse was right - my Grandmother died Christmas day. I know that her daughters have told me before that they feel awful for doing that and that they feel like she died sad and alone but I feel that it was what was best & that it was what she needed/wanted. I hold onto the idea that Grandma knew we were all going home and that it would be Christmas the next day - a time when the family would be celebrating. We would all be getting together for lunch, the kids would be enjoying presents and playing, etc. and she finally could rest, knowing that we all would take care of each other. And we have. My family has close-knit bonds unlike a lot of others I have seen. Yes, we may be at each others throats occasionally or we may break down & cry about something - but I know that if I needed anything (ANYTHING!) I could go to my family & they would help me. I like to think that Grandma is at peace now and that she watches over us all. Perhaps that's childish or silly but it helps me to feel better.
Another thing that has helped me is that invariably at ANY of our family functions, someone relates a funny story about Grandma. It always makes everyone laugh and I think - Look at the legacy this woman has left! Even with her gone for almost five years, we're still talking about years and years ago when she didn't bake the pumpkin pie and served it to Grandpa! That says a lot about a person. I think it's good to keep someone's memory alive. I'm not saying you have to talk about them every waking moment, but pausing to remember them every once in awhile or to relate a funny story is a good idea.
So now we are faced with another cancer situation and I don't even know how to feel. I don't want to see that all happen again and I feel so terribly for my Grandmother, my Dad and his brother and sister. Along with our daily routine and the upcoming holidays, it's a lot of things to process. But I do know that I am thankful for the time I have had with my grandparents and that they have gotten to enjoy their great-grandchildren. I guess I'm just wondering how you all cope with things like this...? I know families that have gone through much worse and I'm sure you all have your own ways of dealing with things. So please feel free to leave a comment. And I apologize for being a Gloomy Gus, I've just been thinking a lot!