Marriage Monday: The "Clothes" of Marriage

This weekend I watched one of my closest friends and her fiancee (who's like a brother to me) get married. During the vows, my friend got choked up and started to cry a little - it was very touching. She looked radiant and he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. They were (and are) a beautiful couple. They've been together for quite awhile and I think they're destined for a long happy life, full of happiness and joy.
In the pastor's sermon during the wedding service, she discussed the "clothes" of marriage. For our wedding day we put on our finest and best - generally a tux for the groom and a beautiful white wedding gown for the bride. My friend's gown was gorgeous lace and she had a long, flowing train and veil. My wedding gown was a big poofy princess-type ballgown. The pastor said you don't normally see many married people in their everyday lives - cleaning, taking care of kids, working in the yard, going to work - in their wedding clothes! Can you imagine feeding your kids or changing the oil in your car in your formal wear? We have to put on clothes that are more comfortable and adaptable to our everyday, normal lives - and that's not necessarily a bad thing. You've got to be able to adapt and change through the years of your marriage. In fashion and in life, comfortable isn't always bad. Being comfortable is:

• not worrying about being perfect.
• having someone to share your joys, challenges, happiness and struggles equally.
• being able to finish each other's sentences and being able to communicate without speaking.
• knowing exactly what the other person likes or wants and what their goals for life are.

But it's also good to remember that in fashion as in life, comfortable isn't always good either! (My ratty pajama pants and High School band t-shirts are not always the best choice to wear to every function.) If we get too comfortable - or shall I say, lazy? - we can take our spouse for granted, ignore them or treat them badly. We can become so comfortable that we stop caring about how we look or how we act around them. What I'm saying is that it's not a bad idea to keep those "wedding clothes" around, figuratively. We should be comfortable but instead of abandoning the wedding clothes completely and getting immersed in the everyday, remember the emotions and feelings of that wedding day - the love, the tenderness, the excitement, the joy and yes, even the happy tears!

I am participating in Marriage Monday this week, hosted by Julie at Come, Have a Peace - stop by to check out some other marriage related posts!

What is Love? Love is a Way of Life.

Sometimes we take love for granted. Speaking specifically of spouses, sometimes our love gets put on the back burner. We may tune out our husband or wife so we can watch TV, we go to sleep at separate times, we get busy with the kid's activities, church or work. It's never ending. We become short and snappy with another, forget anniversaries and important events or may even become bitter and jaded about our marriage. Bottom line? We're not connecting as often as we should!

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Marriage is not something that you just "do" and then it's done. Do you know what I mean? It's something that happens daily, not just once on your wedding day. My friend Chrissi wrote a great blog post called I Choose You about "choosing" our spouses - supporting them, caring for them and treating them the way we'd like to be treated. This is something we need to do daily - love is a way of life. I challenge you to daily "choose" your spouse. Try some of these ideas:

• Find unique ways to connect! Leave love notes in odd places around your house. Try recreating one of your first dates. Play a "getting to know you" game where you talk about your goals, dreams and aspirations. If you can't or don't want to go out on a date, have a date night at home - make your own movie theater or restaurant!
• Put your spouse above yourself. Here's a thought - what could you do today that would help your spouse out or give them a break? Run a bubble bath for your wife (if that's her cup of tea) and take the kids to the park. Make your hubby's favorite dinner and offer him a back rub. You don't have to spend money or do anything crazy - something simple could really brighten your spouse's day.
• Make a point to do at least one loving thing every day. Vow to give a compliment to your spouse every day and stick to it. (Even if you have to write it down to remember!) Or commit yourself to doing a chore your spouse hates every day for a week. 

Do you have any other ideas about keeping love as a way of life? Leave your thoughts in the comments! :)

This blog post is part of a series:

What is Love?

Love is a Choice

Love is Powerful

What is Love? Love is Powerful.

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My husband and I attended an out of town wedding yesterday for a high school friend of his. As I mentioned awhile back this seems like the year of weddings for us but I love it - they're so much fun! The reception was lots of fun - yummy food and good music. The bride looked stunning and her color choices were really pretty.
The actual wedding service I always find to be so incredibly powerful, regardless of who is getting married. The bridal march starts, the bride enters and everyone stands. The groom's smile is as big as you can get as his bride walks slowly towards him. They know all eyes in the room are on them and yet they still only have eyes for one another. They recite their vows which are the covenant they make to love, honor and cherish one another for the rest of their lives. They promise to always care for one another, through bad times and good times and to forsake all others. They exchange rings - unbroken circles of the finest precious metals as a visible example of their enduring relationship. And at the end of the service, we all receive them as the new Mr. and Mrs. and they start on the incredible journey of marriage. What a powerful thing those vows of love are!
And love IS powerful, isn't it? In my own life I know that my husband and I faced many obstacles upon getting married. But five years later, we're still doing pretty good. It hasn't all been easy but as the song says, "love will keep us together." It's powerful enough to get us through the hard times. I know other couples who've endured incredible things in their relationship and come through it even better than they were before. Love is able to overcome a lot of things - time and distance, disease and illness, job loss, uncertain futures or troubling times, challenging children, broken hearts, sick family members and even death.

Is there a story or example you can think of that demonstrates a powerful love? Tell me about it in the comments!

This blog post is part of a series called "What is Love?" (Which I think I'm actually going to be continuing even longer than just five posts! I think it will just be a regular series I'll be posting about from time to time.) Check out the other posts below:

What is Love?

What is Love? Love is a Choice.

What is Love? Love is a Choice.

If you've been married (or dated or had any relationships, period!) you should know that love is not necessarily all flowers and sunshine. I know some people who have been married, divorced and remarried several times and I don't know if they will ever be happy. They expect "love" to just happen automatically always and to never have any problems with their spouse. Sometimes love is a choice - it has to be worked at. You may not always "feel" like you're in love - that doesn't mean that you're not, that the spark is gone or that you are boring. Relationships can (and should) change and grow with time. And in friendships, sometimes love is a choice - the person may get on your nerves at times or do something that bothers you but that does not mean that they're not your friend anymore or that you love them any less. We all do things that grate on one another's nerves. Below are some great little gems from the Love Is A Choice Twitter page. (Their website is under construction but their Twitter page has lots of good things on it!)

Most people date in order to marry, but we should marry in order to date and do so for the rest of our lives.

Does your calendar reflect your desire to prioritize your marriage relationship as most important?

If you vow to stay together for better or for worse, you must make it work. 100% of marriages have tough times. Resolve for unity, always.

Love is a choice. Think about what you are doing today - are you doing more for others or yourself? Choose to put others first.

Do you think love is a choice? Have you ever had to choose to love someone? Tell me your thoughts in the comments! This is part two in a five part series. See the first post "What is Love?" here.

Marriage Monday: What Is Love?

If you just thought of the Saturday Night Live Roxbury guys and/or got that song stuck in your head after reading the title of my post, don't worry! I did too! :) So let's just go ahead and get that out of the way:




Alright, better now? Good! Back to the title at hand. "What is Love?" It was the title of an email newsletter I received from Dr. Gary Chapman awhile back. His emails are always so nice to receive - I get them once weekly and they're filled with all kinds of helpful hints and lessons on marriage. Here's an excerpt from this one:

When couples come to me for pre-marital counseling, I sometimes ask: "Why do you want to get married?" Whatever else, they say, they always give me the big reason; and the big reason is always the same. What do they say? "We love each other." Then I ask a very unfair question: "Tell me, what do you mean by that?" There is silence. Then, one will say, "Oh...you know!"

I guess maybe I do know. I think they are talking about a euphoric emotion that makes them oblivious to reality. They are the happiest they have ever been. What they don't know is that the euphoric feelings will last for two years and then they must find another foundation for marriage. Wouldn't it be better to explore that foundation before they get married?

This is oh so true! Love is a lot of things but it's also just a feeling - and feelings can be fleeting or deceiving. If you don't have a solid foundation of something other than feelings, how will your marriage survive? I'm not saying you shouldn't feel like you're in love. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. But there needs to be more than just that!
He highlights four more points about love that I am going to dedicate four more posts to this week because I am way too talkative to talk about them all in just one! ;) They are:

- Love is a choice.
- Love is a way of life.
- Love is powerful.
- Love can be learned.

So stay tuned as I'll be putting the other posts up this week. For now though - what is love to you, dear reader? Share your thoughts with me in the comments.

This is my post for Marriage Monday. Hop on over and share your thoughts on marriage!

Happy Anniversary!

Today is a special day for me and the hubby - it's our five year anniversary! A song that always reminds me of us, Livin' Our Love Song comes to mind:

Baby, just look at us / All this time and we're still in love / Something like this just don't exist / Between a backwoods boy and a fairytale princess / People said it would never work out / Living our dreams has shattered all doubts / It sure feels good to prove 'em wrong / Livin' our love song

Not that I'm trying to rub it into people's faces or anything - that's not my intention at all. I was just thinking that five years ago today, we were both very young and I think most people thought we were crazy for getting married. It's only been five years but it feels like quite a few more. I don't mean that we're ancient and elderly now but I do feel like we've grown up a lot. I'm so happy that we chose to get married and that we've stayed together through all of the stress and struggles the last few years have brought. I've seen my husband grow and mature into a wonderful father, husband and friend. I hope that I've done the same for him. I love him so much and I'm confident we can handle most anything life throws at us. I look forward to many more happy years with him and our children. :)

Marriage Monday: Empathy and Understanding

It's another Marriage Monday! You can see my previous Marriage Monday posts here. To join Marriage Monday, go here!

A couple of the blogs I read regularly talked about empathy and understanding today. (Maybe that was a sign to me? Hmmmm......) In marriage, understanding our spouse is especially important. If we don't have understanding, it's very difficult to get along with one another. And I think it's pretty important to get along if you're going to be married!
I think empathy and understanding are things you have to consciously work on. Often when I tell my husband a problem, he is quick to provide a response of what he would do to fix it. This can be frustrating because it's not always what I would (or should) do and sometimes I just want him to listen! On the flip side of that, when he is telling me a problem or issue, I want to hear every little detail and analyze it. I KNOW he finds this frustrating. But I think that is a major difference between men and women - men want to fix the problem and move on, or just move on. And I think women are more prone to dwell on things and to want to know the ins and outs of the problem.

Jeff at Men are Dumb, and I Should Know said it well:

Relationships are tough. It was that way since the beginning of time, and the same is still true now. One of the reasons is that we are all different.

When we hear someone telling us something difficult they are going through, we usually think, "Well, I would do this, and things would be fine," but we aren't the other person.

It happens a lot with disagreements, too. We think to ourselves, "I would never do that to someone else." True, you wouldn't but they might.

Practice empathy. Do your best to set aside the instant platitude, listen and be empathetic.

The world is full of people going through difficult times, and if you take some times to start to practice empathy, you could have the opportunity to release the pain of one person, and that could have a positive ripple effect.

That's just an excerpt of his post (click the link above to go read the full thing) but he is right! When we have an argument (disagreement, heated discussion, whatever you want to call it!) with our spouse, it's good to stop and try to think about their opinion or feelings. We need to put aside our selfishness and pride. If we're more considerate of them, they're bound to be more empathetic with us when we need it.

Marriage Monday: Schedules, Unemployment and Adjustments

Last week at Come Have a Peace on Marriage Monday, Julie posed the questions: Have you ever experienced a time where your husband had a lot on his plate? Do we go on with our own "stuff" and wish him luck, or do we change our schedule? (Note that this is not what is being discussed this week - I'm a little behind. I started writing this post last week and am just now getting it finished!)

My husband's previous job required a lot of him. He often worked nights and overtime. Somedays it felt like we only saw him when he was leaving to go to work. He got on a four days on, four days off schedule so his days off were different every week. We didn't have a typical "Monday - Friday Dad works and weekends are family time" schedule. We adapted to his schedule. His four days on, I tried to find activities for us to do away or that were quieter so he could sleep during the day before he had to go to work. I saw him for a bit when he got home in the morning and then for a little before he left for work in the evening. His four days off, regardless of which ones they were, were our family days and days to get things done.
My husband lost his job in January. He's been enjoying getting to spend time with the kids and figure out what he'd like to do next. I think it's also been eye-opening for us both - for him to see what it's like to be home all the time and for me to see how he does things differently than I do.
I think as parents and as husband and wife, it's important to remember to help one another out and take each other's schedules into consideration. I can't say that the hubby and I are perfect about that but we are trying. It's a work in progress right now - we're just getting into the groove of being around each other most of the time. Since he's home more, he's doing a lot more cleaning and helping around the house. He's an excellent cook and really enjoys making dinner for us most nights. We're adapting to each other's schedules.
My husband worked at his previous job for almost eight years. For someone young, I think that's quite an accomplishment. It's been...different trying to figure out what we'll do now. I was reading Lysa TerKeurst's blog earlier and this post from her personal assistant explains how I am feeling pretty darn well:

Being unemployed is hard. It's raw. It's full of uncertainty.


As I re-read the devotion I wrote about being unemployed that is running today through our ministry, I am reminded and comforted that God knows, He knew and He is still there.


He knows what we are dealing with daily.
He knew we would be on this journey.
He is still present, still active, still near.


This is where our thoughts must remain. This is where we find our hope.
I will admit that I fall off the wagon every now and then and enter into a pity party as my thoughts run aimlessly such as "Where are you God? We are trying here. Nothing seems to be working. Why is it taking so long?" In these moments of weakness, I must remember that God is doing His work on His timetable, not ours.

Yes, it is rough - and not just for us parents, but for all of us. A week or two after my husband lost his job when I was tucking my four year old son in for the night, he asked me, "Why is Daddy home all the time?"
I told him that Daddy did not have a job any more. He thought about this for a second and then said, "Oh. How will we have money then?" I blinked back tears as I contemplated what to say. I finally told him that Daddy would be getting money from being unemployed for awhile and that he was already looking for a new job. That satisfied him and he went on to bed peacefully. That little question stayed on my mind, though. It kind of reminded me of God and his scheduling. In this situation, I (and my husband) are the little children saying, "How will we have money? Will we be able to pay our bills? When will I get a new job?" and all the millions of questions we want answered. We would love for it to be on our schedule, preferably NOW. But we need to learn to adapt to God's schedule and his plan for us. God is the patient parent, helping us and guiding us through our problems on his schedule so we can peacefully sleep for another night. This verse has been showing up a lot in my life (and it's no coincidence, I'm sure!) and I hope it will encourage you too:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4:12-13

Forgiveness

I find it so fascinating that every time I have gone to church recently - no matter what church - I hear exactly what I need to hear. It's really amazing what you'll hear when you truly open your eyes and ears. (Well...open your eyes, anyway. I don't know if someone can technically "open" their ears!)
We visited a different church a week or so ago and the pastor's sermon was on forgiveness. One thing that struck me in particular was "Biblical Forgiveness." He mentioned that when we're wronged and we tell someone we forgive them, it's supposed to be "Biblical Forgiveness," which means TRUE forgiveness. The kind of forgiveness that has no ifs, ands or buts. Biblical forgiveness is not any of these:


I forgive you...until you do it again!
I forgive you but I'll never forget.
I forgive you...but I'm going to bring it up the next time we argue.

We need to learn to forgive like God forgives. He doesn’t say, "I forgive you...except for that one thing you did. That was REALLY bad!" He doesn’t bring up past transgressions to remind us about them. Once he's forgiven them, they're gone - wiped clean. Micah 7:18-19 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." God is compassionate, as seen in the verse - "he delights in showing mercy." The band Audio Adrenaline has a song called Ocean Floor that talks about that very verse. They lyrics say, "They're all behind you/They'll never find you/They're on the ocean floor/Your sins are forgotten/They're on the bottom/Of the ocean floor." (It's a great song. If you're interested, here's a link to the video.) That’s exactly what we need to do when we are wronged by someone.
I realized I've been holding on to several things recently where I need to truly forgive the person – and then just let go of it. Later after that church service when we were at home, I said something to my husband about someone who had "done me wrong" and how irritated I still was with them. A little while later I thought, how childish and petty of me! I’m still dwelling on that insignificant thing that really doesn't matter! AND we just heard a sermon on forgiveness!
Being angry at people that have wronged us and dwelling on past mistakes is a sure fire way to bring ourselves down. It's definitely not going to put us in a good frame of mind and can cause more heartache and pain for us in our everyday lives. If I'm angry at someone and dwelling on it, I might take it out on the people I'm most often around - my family or friends - and that's definitely not fair to them!
Let me note that I'm not saying to let yourself be tread upon - by all means you have to stand up for yourself, your faith, your family, whatever the case may be. I'm just saying not to dwell and let your life be consumed by hatred or bitterness of a person or problem. And if someone comes to you asking for forgiveness, it's in everyone's best interest to give it to them! If we expect God to forgive us, we have to be forgiving of others. Colossians 3:13 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
Forgiveness is something that a lot of couples struggle with too. It's very easy to bring up your spouse's past mistakes in the heat of a fight. And it's definitely NOT easy to say, "I forgive you." If we want to practice Biblical forgiveness, we need to truly mean what we say and not hold things over people. I know I am guilty of holding grudges about the dumbest of things. Just a few days ago I had a disagreement with my husband about something petty. He came up to me a short while later and said, "I'm sorry" and I ignored him. I was still very angry and didn't feel like saying, "I forgive you." How foolish is that? We have since worked out our differences on that issue but I hope in the future I will be able to remember this blog post and be more readily forgiving.
We say the Lord's Prayer every Sunday at church and this past week I was particularly reminded of forgiveness when we came to the line, "And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." (Some churches say debtors instead of trespasses - pretty much the same thing!) The whole Lord's Prayer is important but that line in particular always seems to stand out to me. It usually brings to mind any problems I'm having with others and I try to pray about them right then when I think of them. The Bible mentions forgiveness so many times and in so many different ways, but the thing that I notice the most is how we are constantly reminded that we are supposed to forgive as God forgives - Biblical Forgiveness! Mark 11:25 says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." I'm going to make an effort to work on this in my own life and I challenge you to try to remember the verses I've mentioned here in your daily lives to help you as well!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I've never been one that goes gaga over Valentine's Day. In High School, I always deemed it Black Whatever-Day-It-Was (even if I had a significant other) and one year I wore black boots, a black shawl, black skirt, black shirt and black tights. Yes, I was a bit odd...still am at times! A couple years back, though somebody told me that he didn't need a day to tell me that he loved me, that he loved me all time. :) I think that's very true - you don't need a day to tell someone you love them, you should tell them all the time! But in case you've been lax in telling your special someone, make sure you tell them today!
I've had some really nice Valentine days with my hubby over the past (almost) five years. I've also come to enjoy making Valentines crafts with my son and sharing in his love of the simple things. So I guess Valentine's has grown on me some...but I'm still keeping the all-black outfit at the ready, just in case. ;)

♥ Me and my loves ♥

Affordable Valentine's Day Ideas

Valentine's Day is just a week away - can you believe it? It seems like this year *just* started! This year I've been trying to find some affordable crafts and gifts for the kids and I to make for Valentine's Day and of course there always tons of good ideas on the internet! :) I thought I would share with you some of the things we've found:

- The Practical Mom Guide wrote a post a little while back called 20 Ways to Say I Love You Without Spending a Penny that I thought was really good!

- I love DLTK's websites - they are run by a mom & her family and have TONS of fun things for kids to do on them. They have a special section just for Valentine's related things.

- I recently found this blog called 365 Ways To Say I Love You that has a different thing to do each day to show your significant other that you love them - very cool!

- AllFreeCrafts.com has one of the ultimate Valentine's craft pages - SO much stuff on it! See it here. (I especially liked the Inexpensive Ideas for Couples With Kids...hehehe.)

- I've always thought coupon books were an affordable and neat idea for the holidays - just make sure that the person actually redeems them! See Activities for Kids, Links 2 Love and All Free Printables for several different kinds of pre-printed coupon books, individual coupons or coupon ideas.

Marriage Monday: Staying True to Our Vows

Julie at Come Have a Peace hosts Marriage Mondays and this week she wrote about the part of the marriage vows that says "in sickness and in health." It can be hard to "love and cherish" when the person is whining, complaining and just generally not a lot of fun. It's not their fault, they can't help being sick - but it doesn't make it any easier on the person caring for them. It's good to remember that you're not just in your marriage for the good times, but the bad times as well.
I know in my own marriage we've definitely had some rough spots. We've never done things slow or by the book. We met in October, got pregnant and engaged in December and were married in March. But things have always turned out alright. This March will be five years together and we're still going strong.
The traditional marriage vows also mention some other things - "for richer or poorer" and "for better for worse." There will inevitably be times in our marriage when things are rough - things can't always be perfect! We're supposed to hold fast even when we're experiencing turbulence - a job loss, an illness, arguments or anything else that may come up. If you are experiencing difficulties in your marriage, I encourage you to try some of the following:
- Draw closer to one another. Trouble forces couples further apart. Less communication means even more trouble.
- Pray and read! Talk to God about your issues and ask him to help & bless your marriage. Read your Bible and/or find a couples devotional that you can read together.
- Consult other couples who may have experienced something similar. Get together with some friends to discuss issues facing both your marriages or find an older couple to be your "marriage mentors."

Marriage Monday: Favorite Marriage Books

I'm joining in on Marriage Mondays, which is hosted by Julie at Come Have a Peace. She hosts it weekly on her blog and this week she talked about her favorite marriage books. I thought I would go ahead and list my favorites too. I've listed the book title, author and my thoughts which are italicized.

Nightlight – A Devotional for Couples by Dr. James Dobson
This is a great devotional to read before bedtime - or whatever time is convenient for you and your spouse. It really opens you up to talk about anything and everything - and maybe even communicate about some things you've never discussed before.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman
This book is wonderful. It teaches you what your "love language" is - the way you primarily express and/or want to receive love. (Some people thrive on Physical Touch while others are more blessed by Acts of Service. The other three are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation and Receiving Gifts.) This book really helped hubby & I to see our languages - he loves acts of service while I need words!
Confessions from an Honest Wife: On the Mess, Mystery & Miracle of Marriage by Sarah Zacharias Davis
I got this book for Christmas from my Mom and it's really good. It tells stories of real women and their marriage experiences - the good, the bad and the ugly. It illustrates how things aren't always bright and cheery but how some of those bad things about marriage can really be learning experiences.
The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis
While this isn't necessarily a "marriage" book, it is a great book about love. It talks about the different types of love which I think is essential in a marriage. You will not necessarily always have the same type of feelings throughout your marriage. You're not always going to be passionate or overly affectionate or even FEEL in love - everyone goes through different stages. It's good to know about the other stages of marriage (and friendship) and their benefits.

(Also, if you join in at Julie's blog, you have a chance to win a book!)